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Someone who mentors kids asked the question: What are the best ways to build self confidence in a pre-teen?
As I pondered a response to the question and began formulating a list in my mind I saw that it was the qualities of the heart that would lead the way… but of course! The spiritual heart or the heart chakra is where the ascended balance states of being live. These states neutralize or balance polarity and hold a higher vibration than the polarized either/or states of the lower mind, and they are intrinsically imbued with love.
The wisdom of the heart comes through intuitively when we choose our words and actions from fourth dimensional love, rather than third dimensional polarized power. So whether we are mentoring a student or just living life and having relationships in a polarized world, we can create unity in our consciousness simply by naming and beginning to actualize the higher vibrational states in our lives.
The ascended balance states include acceptance, compassion, generosity, patience and selflessness, among many others. In my response to this mentor I saw that it was the heart-centered states of respect, humility, presence, honesty, and authenticity, along with an overall attitude of flexibility and non-attachment that would foster growth in a student, allowing them to find their own way through the lesson or task. So, specifically, my recommendation to build self-esteem in a pre-teen was:
- Avoid acting from a position of authority with the student; that’s already implicit in the relationship. Respect them for who they are and meet them from a place of humility.
- Look for opportunities to allow the student to express themselves and invite them to share their ideas and feelings. Be a present and attentive listener.
- Set the student up for success with clearly defined goals. Break down larger overarching goals into smaller achievable increments. Remain flexible.
- Make a commitment to always offer honest feedback to the student. Look for opportunities to praise, but keep it authentic. Praise when not genuinely earned may boost the ego temporarily, but may inhibit emotional resiliency in the long term in face of the ups and downs of life.
- Avoid criticism in favor of constructive feedback. Offer options and suggestions rather than answers, allowing the student to find their own way to a satisfactory outcome.
A popular quote attributed to Robert Frost comes to mind here:
“I am not a teacher, but an awakener.”
When we commit to the awakening heart in our mentoring relationship and in life in general we invite Spirit to lead the way, where the light of unity consciousness can work its magic.
In my mentoring work we often address issues of self-esteem. Fundamental to the structure of the human ego is the polarity of worthy and worthless, so at some point we all must grapple with the teeter-totter of emotions this polarity elicits. The question that most often comes up is “How do I stop putting myself down and boost my self-esteem and confidence?”
The simplest solution I can share is to believe in yourself! I know, easier said, than done! But these deeply conditioned beliefs about yourself being less than and inferior were imprinted in childhood and are not true. If growing up we did not feel validated by our caregivers (parents, teachers etc.), and, particularly, if we were criticized repeatedly, we did not develop a healthy self-esteem, imprinting a sense of inadequacy. Over time we internalize that critical voice, and putting ourselves down becomes an unconscious habit or program (much like a computer program) with a life of its own!
The truth is inherent in our essential nature we each have untapped potential waiting to be realized… if we only had the eyes to see it! Fortunately, there is something we can do to sharpen our vision. This involves three steps 1.Witnessing . 2. Detaching 3. Affirming
Begin to Witness, or become aware of, your negative self-talk and scolding. By developing a witness to the program/habit it no longer operates unconsciously. When we make it conscious we are withdrawing its power over us. The next step is to Detach from it by reminding yourself that these limiting thoughts come from your childhood conditioning and they are not who you are! Finally, Affirm what is true about you beyond what this critical inner voice is telling you.This important step is about reprogramming the subconscious mind. You can say something like “I am whole and complete just as I am with my own unique potential.” Then, let this become your mantra.
Do these three steps each time your inner critic rears its unwanted head! Because you are reprogramming your consciousness by detaching from your negative thought-steam the grip it has over you will diminish over time. Gradually, your eyes will begin to open to the possibility that there is more to you than you have been seeing, and you will discover a new inner spaciousness. In this spaciousness you will begin to view the challenges in your life from a more balanced and less polarized perspective. You will begin to accept negative experiences without self-judgement and to learn from them. The courage to take on new projects will follow, and with your successes you will begin to develop faith and trust in your own innate abilities and new-found potential. Your formerly elusive self-confidence will begin to take hold and go and grow from here.
[For more on this topic see the post “Seeing Through Worthlessness” on this blog]
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