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In my mentoring work we often address issues of self-esteem. Fundamental to the structure of the human ego is the polarity of worthy and worthless, so at some point we all must grapple with the teeter-totter of emotions this polarity elicits. The question that most often comes up is “How do I stop putting myself down and boost my self-esteem and confidence?”
The simplest solution I can share is to believe in yourself! I know, easier said, than done! But these deeply conditioned beliefs about yourself being less than and inferior were imprinted in childhood and are not true. If growing up we did not feel validated by our caregivers (parents, teachers etc.), and, particularly, if we were criticized repeatedly, we did not develop a healthy self-esteem, imprinting a sense of inadequacy. Over time we internalize that critical voice, and putting ourselves down becomes an unconscious habit or program (much like a computer program) with a life of its own!
The truth is inherent in our essential nature we each have untapped potential waiting to be realized… if we only had the eyes to see it! Fortunately, there is something we can do to sharpen our vision. This involves three steps 1.Witnessing . 2. Detaching 3. Affirming
Begin to Witness, or become aware of, your negative self-talk and scolding. By developing a witness to the program/habit it no longer operates unconsciously. When we make it conscious we are withdrawing its power over us. The next step is to Detach from it by reminding yourself that these limiting thoughts come from your childhood conditioning and they are not who you are! Finally, Affirm what is true about you beyond what this critical inner voice is telling you.This important step is about reprogramming the subconscious mind. You can say something like “I am whole and complete just as I am with my own unique potential.” Then, let this become your mantra.
Do these three steps each time your inner critic rears its unwanted head! Because you are reprogramming your consciousness by detaching from your negative thought-steam the grip it has over you will diminish over time. Gradually, your eyes will begin to open to the possibility that there is more to you than you have been seeing, and you will discover a new inner spaciousness. In this spaciousness you will begin to view the challenges in your life from a more balanced and less polarized perspective. You will begin to accept negative experiences without self-judgement and to learn from them. The courage to take on new projects will follow, and with your successes you will begin to develop faith and trust in your own innate abilities and new-found potential. Your formerly elusive self-confidence will begin to take hold and go and grow from here.
[For more on this topic see the post “Seeing Through Worthlessness” on this blog]
We come into this world with a psyche that is split into separation from our true divine nature, and the blueprint for ego becomes instituted. The story of Adam and Eve describes this spilt as our fall from grace. But it never really happened! It’s all maya – illusion – and becomes our inner journey toward awakening to the truth of who we are. Beyond ego and the lower mind lies our true spiritual nature as limitless and timeless beings. But because the ego is defined by the electro-magnetic charges of negative and positive, duality, and specifically loss and gain, are born in the mental and emotional bodies. So loss and gain are programmed into our consciousness from the get go becoming an unconscious lens through which we view the world.
In fact, if I could distill into a single egoic construct all of the processes that people come to me wanting to clear, it would be loss and gain. This is true because the relative mind will interpret any negativity in one’s life as a loss, whether it’s a material “loss” of some kind, some heavy state in the emotional body, or simply a loss of happiness. Sure, losses and gains are part of life – they seem very real in this world. But this is only the mind’s superficial reading of what’s going on; it is the dual mind’s interpretation of the natural ebb and flow of life. In truth, our natural state of wholeness and oneness is complete in itself: paraphrasing my teacher, nothing can ever be added to or taken away from that which we are!
What if we could stand “outside” of the natural rhythms of life and just watch? Rather than getting pulled into and identifying with a story around loss and gain, we watch and witness the movement of energy in our emotional body. This neutral witness is grounded in being. It’s identity is as spiritual presence. When we know ourselves to be that still presence – unchanging and eternal – then the ups and downs of life occur, but they don’t shake the ground of being that we are. Our deepest knowing from the place is that the invisible realms always support us and that the Universe is the source of unlimited supply! Loss and gain are real for you only when you believe them to be true. Granted this is a paradigm shift in the way we see the world, and so it becomes a process of undoing and reprogramming the limited mind.
The witness, or neutral observer is our ally here. By pro-actively witnessing or catching the contracting energy in the mind or emotional body, and then consciously choosing not to buy into it we create an little expansion and an ascension. We are detaching from ego and opening to what is true beyond it, which is our divine nature waiting to be unveiled! It is also helpful at this point to remind our lower selves of our unlimited spiritual nature with an affirmation, such as I am Spirit, I am divine and I am always supported.
So, practically, this is how it might play out in your life: You seem to incur a material loss of some kind – the IRS notifies you that you are in errs and wants you to pay more taxes, perhaps. You can consciously choose from your neutral witnessing presence not to take it as a loss. Rather, you can choose to step out of an egoic response and see it as a temporary ebb in the flow, reminding yourself that the Universe has your back, always. You have faith because you know that the tide will turn eventually, and, especially, if you are able to remain open and centered and not contract emotionally, it will happen sooner rather than later!
Negative emotions will also feel like a loss to the ego.The entire structure of our emotional body is based on negative and positive, loss and gain. So even the slightest drop of our awareness into negativity, say self-doubt, perhaps, will register as a loss. Unless we are able to witness it! If we can catch self-doubt as it slips into our awareness and detach from the story we are telling ourselves about it, we won’t make it real and unconsciously feed energy in to it. We can, instead, align with our center and allow all feelings, however negative (or positive), to pass through the still Presence that we are – never diminished or increased, but always full, complete and content in itself!
Several people I mentor have come to me needing to process their despair over the current state of the country/world. “We were just beginning to make a little progress towards making this country a more equitable place for women and minorities, addressing the problem of global warming and environmental destruction, and speaking truthfully about the disparity between the haves and the have nots etc., and now we seem to be taking several steps backwards”, has been the overarching sentiment. What I am asking them to do, as tough as it sounds at the moment, is to keep the faith. Remain vigilant and informed and follow your inner guidance towards heart-centered action, but keep the faith. There are larger forces at play here, and divine intelligence is, as she always has been, competely in charge!
The larger movement of evolutionary energy is toward the expansion of consciousness – toward unity and oneness. The contraction and separation that is appearing in the world at this time has its purpose, for there are lessons to be learned. We must view the darkness we are seeing in the world right now as an opportunity for growth. Growth for the individual and for the collective requires what has been hidden to be exposed. The perennial wisdom teachings tell us that we create our reality by the level of consciousness that we hold; what we are seeing in the world at this moment is our unconscious shadow we have projected out being mirrored back to us. If the actions of those “outside” of you enrage or anger you and trigger you into blame and hate, the you must ask yourself “What part of what I am seeing outside of me is me? How am I, even a little bit, misogynist, xenophobic, greedy or entitled?”
“How can one person make a difference?”, you may ask. We are each a voice, a significant voice, and part of a greater whole. We are a power of one mind, one heart and one intention. When enough of us rise up in our heart-centered power we can create a tipping point for the world, opening the door to the extraordinary and the miraculous. By owning the outside as us and committing to neutrality (and sacred action as necessary), we can successfully navigate what may be some treacherous terrain; we can shift consciousness, birthing a new more spiritually aligned form for our lives and for the world.
In short, the answer to your question is through love!
I had a Skype conversation with someone recently who shared this:
“I’ve been out of work for some time and I’ve looked and looked for a job, but, so far – no luck. I’m starting to feel frustrated and to get down on myself. Feelings of worthlessness are coming up. If I were to win the lottery, I’d be a happy man right now.”
Here is my response:
I recommend Karma Yoga. There have been times in my own life when I was at an impasse with my employment, and each time when I practiced Karma yoga, or the yoga of selfless service, my situation shifted, doors opened and opportunities presented themselves. When we are out of work it is easy to become me focused, self-absorbed, and obsessed with solving our problem; then, the negative ego rises up to take charge of our emotions.
Spiritual Truth: The evolutionary impulse of the Universe is to support us.
But our obsessive inward focusing energy is contracting and blocks this flow. When we do selfless service, we shift our excessive inner focus to the welfare of others, we open our hearts, and and the Universe responds by supporting us. The love that we begin to access changes everything because this love is what charges the Unified Field – our shared higher consciousness – and the source of infinite possibilities!
Selfless Giving (giving without thought of reward), whether it is of our time, our knowledge and expertise, or of our money, opens a flow of abundance into our lives. Paradoxically, when we give, rather than creating a loss of some kind, we open up a space that the Universe is poised to fill. Grace and blessings, naturally and inevitably, flow into our lives.
Once, when I was out of work and with time on my hands I decided to do some volunteer work in the public schools. I was placed in a 1st Grade classroom to support a teacher who was feeling overwhelmed. After two days a visiting teacher took notice and offered me a part-time job (and one that payed!) working one-on-one with at-risk kids at several schools. This job led to another, then another when I happily landed a position as a full-time elementary school counselor.
Another time, while working in this position and feeling grateful for all that had come my way in life, I was inspired to donate some time to the community by volunteering to help prepare and package meals for the homebound. Shortly after, I was bestowed by my spiritual teacher the honor of teaching some on-line courses for CoreLight, which was the next step in my spiritual growth.
Selfless giving is a shortcut out the ego. It takes us away from our pain, our perceived troubles and our feelings of worthlessness, and cultivates the heart. When we are in our hearts feelings of well-being, gratitude, trust and faith, harmony, and unconditional love naturally arise in us and begin to grow. We are in a state of flow with the Universe, and in that flow everything we need comes to us.
Stuck? Out of work? Relax, do some Karma Yoga, open your heart, feel the love, and see how the Universe supports you. It’s a win-win with riches no lottery can touch!
If you could go to a very beautiful place where you find love, compassion, forgiveness and generosity, wouldn’t you go? I know, you’re thinking, “Fat chance, I can’t afford a plane ticket to some pricey island sanctuary in the Bahamas!” But the truth is this place I’m speaking about is closer than that, even closer than a heartbeat! In fact, it is your heart (though, not the physical heart, mind you!)
This place, located right in your body about three inches below the notch in your collarbone, is known as the heart chakra. It is our spiritual heart. Love, compassion, forgiveness and generosity are states that emanate from this place in our energy body. You can test this out for yourself. The next time you can feel and name the of vibration of love, compassion, forgiveness or generosity, bring your attention to your heart chakra and see what you feel. Do you notice a sensation of radiating warmth and expansiveness there? Do you notice how you feel safe and secure and connected to something greater than your small and limited self.
When our awareness rests in the heart chakra we are outside of the right/wrong and good/bad polarities of the limited and judging mind. Through careful cultivation of our consciousness we can come to rest permanently here in the beauty and expansiveness of the open heart, where all of these ascended states are available to us… as well as many more! Wouldn’t it also be nice to live in faith and flow, and trust and harmony? How about balance and equanimity? And let’s not forget JOY!
When the heart chakra is open and fully enlivened, life flows through us in a beautiful way, and we feel balanced and serene, and as you go through your day, your heart leads the way!
The magic is that there is a very simple easy way to access this open heart daily. It is through the practice of gratitude. Gratitude is a doorway into the heart.
More than a perfunctory “thank you”, the gratitude I’m speaking about arises from a deeper place within. Reflect from time to time on the everyday blessings you so readily take for granted. When you notice yourself mired in thoughts about everything that’s not working in your life, or if you are feeling in some way deprived …stop! Remind yourself of all that you do have, like the love of a child or a partner, or a pet. Or the simple satisfaction of having food to nourish you when you are hungry; there are so many that do without…
By feeling and nurturing this gratefulness in our lives we bypass the polarized nature of the lower mind and our awareness rises up into the heart. The heart chakra begins to open like a beautiful lotus flower.
Count your blessings. Live in gratitude. Your heart will sing! And you will find love, compassion, trust and faith, and more! And this is what you will attract. No vacation in the Bahamas required; your heart is your sanctuary. Wherever you go!
Brother David Steindl-Rast has created a beautiful video about gratefulness. Find a quiet moment, take some deep relaxing breathes, and receive its blessing…
<p>Video from <a href=”http://www.karmatube.org”>KarmaTube</a></p>
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